Why we take things personally
It is our nature to place a lot of value on what other people think about us. Thank Goodness because it makes us human, resting on the foundation of feeling supported by community for our survival.
However it is not often that what people think of us feels supportive, safe and encouraging.
When we feel unsupported, unappreciated by their thoughts or behaviours towards us, we may deny our hurt by believing, "I don't care about what they think, am going to live my life."
Oh, but we do care.
And its never going to stop.
Understanding why we take things personally and how we can better manage our reactions is the key to relational success.
So, why do we take things personally?
1. Receiving unsolicited advice
When we are judged, critiqued and given unsolicited advice on our appearance, our nature, capabilities and our self expression it threatens our survival instincts to fit in and belong to a tribe.
This threat affects the way we feel about ourselves and we question our self worth, more so if we have a very unique way of being in this world.
As soon as we begin to question our value and self worth, we instantly give our power away thereby feeling affected by someone elses view of how we should be, instead of who we really are.
2. Personal versus collective
Ever noticed, when you are in a conversation, how interchangeable it is to switch between speaking from your own personal experience and a collective observation. Sharing based on a personal experience is intimate, it connects you with another inviting vulnerability and openness. Sharing based on a collective observation is more distant, it takes a big picture stance and detaches from the personal relating.
When the switch is not clearly communicated, it makes it challenging to stay intimately connected in a conversation, thereby increasing our tendency to take what is said as a personal reflection.
Example: “Being a mother is such a natural part of being a woman” is a collective observation. “How a woman uses her innate nurturing ability depends on her choices” is a personal experience.
3. You versus me
The purity in the words we use to express ourselves no longer exists. Often times during conversations we use 'you' when we refer either to ourselves or the collective. This creates confusion in the way we interpret what is being said. Does 'you' refer to the other person or does 'you' refer to yourself?
Example: Person A: “You know what its like when you are busy, you can hardly find time to eat!”
Person B: “No, I dont understand. I always prioritise nourishing myself because I need energy when I am busy”
Person A: “Oh I meant me, not you. When I am busy, I can hardly find time to eat”
Person B: “Thank you for clarifying that you were refering to yourself, not me or collectively”
4. Fear of judgement
Sharing our hearts with another is one of the greatest challenges of our human existence. The very act of opening up to another requires courage. Courage to let our guard down and be vulnerable enough to invite intimacy and connection.
The challenge here is that we fear judgement, criticism, backlash if what we share does not align with whom we are sharing our hearts with. And anything that requires courage comes with a certain hightened state of hyper vigilance to ‘attack’ through words or actions that reveal that we are not being accepted or acknowledged for who we are.
5. Heightened Empathy
When someone speaks of a challenging life experience that they may have gone through our entire nervous system relates to them through our own energy template (based on our own memories, life experiences, ancestral history etc) stored in our body.
Without self awareness it becomes incredibly difficult to maintain a detached yet empathic stance without needing to make their experience about us.
6. Co-dependency
Last but not the least, taking things personally can often stem from a core belief system that I am not enough thereby creating co-dependency to feel worthy. In the process it triggers a response in that if the other person feels a certain way, it must be about me because I am tethered to them for my own survival.
If you can address the root cause of your self worth issues, then you will no longer jump to taking things personally in way that feels like the world is against you. (This is one of my main outcomes of working with me, establishing a healthy sense of sovereignty and inner authority)
When we take things personally;
It disconnects us from staying fully present to ourselves and to the individual we are relating with
We create disharmony in our relationships when we are unable to find a integrated balance between empathy and detachment
We withdraw ourselves from being vulnerable fearing that we will always be judged, thereby creating separation and disconnection
We lose our centre when we cannot accept that we each have a unique relationship and perspective on life and no two will ever be the same
How to stop taking things personally?
Listen before responding
One of the key factor in healthy communication skills is listening. Listening without needing to fill in awkward silences, to justify, reason, challenge or even agree.
Listening purely to be present to what is being expressed without an agenda. Listening in a way where you are centred in your body, but not disconnected from the other. Listening to feel, not to respond. Listening to give them the space instead of listening to relate your own life experiences.
Seek clarification
Avoid being too quick to assume that whatever is being expressed is immediately about you. If you get a sense that it may be the case, then seek clarification. It is ok to ask in a way that invites more curiosity and connection, instead of jumping to conclusions.
Respond with presence
We face a lot of unwelcome psychic pressure to respond quickly to every conversation, whether that is through text, phone call, email or face to face conversations.
When you practice self awareness you will realise that it is ok to take time to slow down, feel what it is that wants to be communicated, rather than rushing to speak. When you slow down, you come back to yourself and this invites you to be more present to what you are feeling, with your soul rather than thinking, with your ego.