The void of longing

I woke up with a feeling. It was familiar, yet this time it didn’t threaten to trash me with the strength of a tsunami.

I remained curious.

The feeling ebbed and flowed with my breath. The deeper I breathed, the lesser the intensity, but it was present, gently awakening parts of my soul that I had been unconsciously hiding from or fighting.

The void.

I have known this void for as long as I can remember. There is a comfortable familiarity to this void, even though the only way I have known to cope with it is to either play victim or aggressively fill it with thoughtless energy, exhausting myself in the process.

There have also been moments when I have sat fully present to the void, except that I didn't realise that had been deceiving myself with hope. 

Hope is a complex energy. As much as it fuels our purpose, direction and drive, it also has the power to snatch away the present moment and encourage us to grasp on to the future for our dear life.

This morning, as I reached again for hope to fuel me out of the discomfort of the void, I paused.

I cannot remember a time when I didn't stop longing for a deeper sense of belonging, identity and purpose. Much like any one of us, I long for this to manifest in the form of safe friendships, a committed partner, healthy children, purposeful work and service to the community.

And the void is a constant reminder of the imbalance in at least one or all areas of life. 

At what point does a friendship start to feel safe?
What scale do I use to rate a partner’s commitment?
How can I measure work to be purposeful?
What actions count as being of service?
How can I ensure the health of loved ones forever?

Leaning into the ultimate question, when will I stop relating to this void?

As much as the mind would like clarity on the details for the above questions, our hearts speak differently. 

It’s not about when, but how we relate to this void. This void is ever present in our everyday life due to unhealthy attachments and expectations to what life should be.

The irony is that this void is mine, as much as it is yours.

When we together soften to this void, there is nothing to do and nowhere to be.

And gradually our presence fills the void, creating hope for a future that will be what will be.