“The fear of loss will always feel far more intense than the experience of loss itself.”
With this awareness, what would you choose? Fear or experience?
As I write this I notice my body instantly questioning if there really is a choice.
Why would anyone want to choose the experience of loss over just feeling the fear?
Surely none of us wants to experience loss.
Having experienced loss early on in my life, I had developed a strong resistance to it. Loss of any kind triggered an intense emotional reaction in me.
Like a warrior fighting against the forces of nature, I unconsciously adopted ways to self-protect:
- Pretend to feel nothing and become numb
- Unconsciously lash out or withdraw
- Play the victim
- Blame existence
Any guesses, who won?
Over the years, this left me feeling incredibly dejected, lonely and tired from tightly holding on to this so-called protective armour against loss. The intention was to keep me safe from the experience of pain – which I discovered was a fear of my own mortality.
Then one day, I stopped.
I looked around, and courageously undressed.
This time, the armour lying on the floor, next to me.
Raw, exposed and vulnerable.
I waited for the pain to wash all over me.
For death to come get me.
And sure enough, it came.
Not in the way I had expected.
It was a sweet release from death itself.
I, no doubt, experienced intense emotional upheaval as waves of pain pulsed through me.
But the pain felt like the awakening of my five senses breathing life again.
And remaining devotionally present to the sensations resulted in my mind quieting down.
There was no room for stories.
And for the first time, I noticed my heart willing remaining open in a sweet, soft and tender way.
And the greatest gift of all?
The darkness seeking just an acknowledgement from my heart.
Nothing to do, nowhere to go, everything will be.
And so here we are,
3 reasons why loss is an inevitable experience in our lives:
- Life and death co-exist – Where there is light, there is life and creation. Where there is darkness, then there is death and transformation. Life and death, two sides of the same coin. With this understanding, how can loss be any separate to the celebration of life? Still doubtful? Ponder this, would there be an inhale if there was no exhale?
- Balance the egoic mind – As much as we need an egoic identity to survive in this world , loss reminds us with utmost humility and grace that even the ego will eventually find itself six feet under, right where it came from.
- Transitional existence – The nature of our life is transitional, I cannot imagine celebrating life if it wasn’t so. With each transitional state of being, comes the need to honour not only the next phase of being but to acknowledge the loss/ending of what once was.
How does this invite you to view the losses experienced in your life?
My wish for you
May you recognise that even in the face of the lonely soul-destroying darkness of loss, if your heart continues to beat then there is love. Love for nothing more than the empty darkness itself.