Pavitra Gurumurthi

Embodying grounded presence, deep mystery and sensual essence in your everyday life

Comparing and merging with others to fit in

Comparing and merging with people is an unconscious yet easy route to trying to fit in. Due to our innate sensitive nature to make other people feel comfortable in our presence, we go out of our way to accommodate them, in the process creating unhealthy dynamics of comparison or boundary-less merging with others.

From my own personal experience, comparing and over merging left me feeling exposed and unsafe with a severed disconnection from my spiritual direction and purpose.
I don’t believe that feelings that arise from comparing and over merging are without reason, but we do have a choice – to be conscious about how we navigate through these feelings without losing ourselves in the process.

Let’s unpack reasons why we compare and over merge before we explore ways to overcome this unconscious pattern.

Why we compare ourselves to others

  • Most of us suffer from self worth issues causing us to incessantly worry about how we make others feel around us. Our focus remains projected outward with little regard towards our inner wellbeing.

  • There is an unconscious belief that maintaining a separate identity means we are unprotected and unsafe, so a defensive stance of us versus them helps to ease the impact

  • Comparison creates power dynamics – superior or inferior, unhealthier the better to justify our existence

  • Seeking constant validation to justify who we are, especially when we find ourselves standing out in more ways than one. When we don’t receive that validation, we believe we are flawed

  • The un-manifested potential of comparison is for us to be inspired by each other’s difference


Reasons why we over-merge with others

  • Becoming highly relatable to satisfy our desire to fit in, we hook into people’s energetic field and emulate their very move (sometimes, in the name of inspiration)

  • The more we merge the more identical we appear, this makes us extremely attractive as someone who understands others inside out

  • Unconsciously attached to being perceived as empathetic caregivers to feed our sense of identity

  • Desire to be in deeply passionate love affair with life, no matter what expression it takes and lose ourselves in this quest

  • Out of the ‘norm’ threatens our existence, so easier to lose ourselves in others than to maintain our sovereignty.


Eliminating unhealthy patterns

  1. When you catch yourself entangled in the web of comparison or merging, bring conscious presence to how that makes you feel.

  2. Invite curiosity to parts of yourself that you are giving up when you merge or compare – is it worth it?

  3. Investigate how comparing/merging can serve an act of being of service to yourself and another instead of creating power dynamics.

  4. Seek support so that you can gain a refreshing perspective, one that can help you step out of the mind-trap.

  5. Practice mindfulness – this is not a race towards perfection, this is simply a natural unfolding of life.


May we always act from a place of deep recognition that life experiences that hurt the deepest are empowering steps towards embodying the fullness of our true self.

What other ways has comparison or over-merging impacted your life?


Meet Pavitra

I help highly sensitive women to let go of the need to hide their feelings and emotions to achieve their personal goals and embrace a quiet, confident approach so that they can be open to receiving and exhale with ease. Learn more about me and discover my offers.